No Problem.

As ubiquitous as the head waggle is the phrase “no problem”. Often the two go together. Well, everything goes with a head wobble really. No problem – is as necessary and as useful and as frustrating for the newbie in India as the head waggle. Learning the head waggle and learning to use “no problem” makes it much easier to be understood and to put people at ease – they realize you are not a complete freak – you speak a little bit of their language. I quickly learned to phrase questions with no problem. As in – we are on a mountain trek that was supposed to end at four, but it is four and we have no water and we are still on top of a mountain in the middle of no where. This is where we say to our guides ‘We need to be back at four.’ Blank stare. “Can we be back at four?” No answer. One more time ‘We need to be back at four – no problem?’. OHHHhhhhhhh “No problem no problem!’ smile smile smile. Everyone, including us, is suddenly smiley and happy. Which is funny. Because it is four and we are on a mountain with no water.

This is a perfect use of ‘no problem’. Because similar to the head waggle, it can mean just about anything. As I think I have mentioned – the head wobble can mean yes, no, maybe, I don’t know, I hear you, I see you, Im tired of looking at you, I wish you would go away, you’re weird, I want to pick my nose… Similarly ‘no problem’ has many uses. It can mean ‘oh you need to be back at four? Well it is four, and we are in the middle of f’ing nowhere and there is no waaaay you are going to be back at four because it is four duh. But this isn’t really a problem!’ It can mean no problem as in ‘yes you will have your laundry back before you leave in the morning’ or it can mean no problem as in ‘if you don’t have your laundry back before leaving we will deal with it then and im sure there is some small Indian boy who is actually 24 years old that can run off somewhere to retrieve it, and if not then I think maybe my cousin’s cousin’s boyfriend is driving to your next city 5 hours away anyway and could bring it back to you there, and if not then it isn’t really a problem if you don’t get it back because you people have so many clothes anyway!’

I think it is related to another common phrase I heard a lot in India “Same same, but different”. As in “Do you have these red bangles in a larger size?” Bangles seller “no problem, no problem” and brings out orange bangles. “No – the RED bangles”. Bangles seller waggling his head ‘Same same’. Us – “no not same, different –these are orange, those are red. Bangles seller “Same same but different!’ head wobble, head wobble. This concept I think is a bit like the concept of the multiple meanings of no problem – it’s like no problem has many meanings – that are same same, but different.

Trying to figure out which no problem they mean can be amusing. “No problem I will have my laundry back before I leave?’ “No problem madam, no problem” head waggle head waggle, smile smile. You just cant help but smile and waggle back. And really, in the end not much is a problem anyway if us westerners could just be a little less uptight. I mean really, isn’t red practically the same as orange anyhow, and how important is water or clean underwear anyway in the grand scheme of things?